🎀 Good afternoon Everybody! 🎀
I recently found this and it made me want to share something. It’s more about healing yourself rather than someone else for me. You will see.
🎀 I’ve been talking a lot about trying to be positive, trying to seize the day, to get a work out done, and being there for yourself.
🎀 I want to dig deeper into why that is and how you can achieve it, OR my hypothesis on how that is possible to achieve.
🎀 OFTEN it is harder than it seems to be positive, to seize the day, to be there for yourself: when you are unhappy. It is much easier to say or think these things when you are HAPPY or CONTENT.
🎀 The point is: one needs to remember that neither happiness nor unhappiness will change ones vision of how things SHOULD be. However, happiness or unhapiness will change ones vision of how things ARE.
👉If happiness or unhappiness could change the way you THINK things ARE, the way you live may be false or true based on those emotions. (IF falsehood and truth can be an objective phenomenon, which itself is arguable).
👉 “How we BELIEVE things SHOULD be” guides our happy or unhappy states when we look at what IS. The game of comparison is the way in which you play with the idea of “should be” and “is”.
🎀 If you accept those premises, what SHOULD BE is guided by something fundamental to us, which also may be false or true.
👉Maybe it is something like intuition, maybe it’s jealousy, maybe it’s the need for family or some form of rationalisations, etc.
👉 Those fundamentals are subjective and shaped by experience. Which is why depending on your context of experience, you can choose OR have the ability to choose certain ideas available to the minds of the time, as opposed to other ideas available to the minds of the time.
For example, you can choose to be an atheist in the States or to be religious. In another context, you have to be Catholic. In another, you have to be Protestant, or Muslim. And so on and so forth.
For example, the German population during world war two did not KNOW that the Nazi regime would lead to terrible things. They were in a specific context of nationalistic history where different ideas developped and justified certain behaviors, to them, in their context.
Those who spoke out against it could get killed because THEIR beliefs were not the norm of the time in that specific context.
The point is to discover what that fundamental guiding principle is in you.
What holds YOU together. Then, decide whether that fundamental is GOOD or BAD. If you decide it is BAD, and you do nothing about it, it will make you sick.
Often we operate on fundamentals that are built in to us since childhood – because that is the norm, and we believe they are right without questioning them.
👉 The Germans did not question if the Nazi regime might be bad. Those who did, got killed.
👉 In a context where your views are different from 10 other peoples views, it is easy to feel you are wrong. It is hard to stand up for what you believe is the truth.
👉I mean honestly, if life is subjective and truth and falsehood are also subjective, in a society of objective norms, who is right?
🎀 The fundamental that held me together was the need for family. I thought everybody SHOULD have a family. Because mine was taken from me when my parents divorced. That belief made me sick.
👉 I stuck to my brother who would bully me because that’s what was his way of dealing with his pain when my parents divorced. My father remarried and it anchored the reality of not having a family of my own anymore. I wasn’t comfortable with my step mother or her children. Their culture and personalities were different from the ones I grew up with until then.
I grew up feeling alienated from my father. I blamed him. I was scared. I felt alone. My mother abandonned me (although recently found out that she fought for me). Yet I always loved and missed her.
I got into bad situations when I was trying to deal with all of that as a teenager. I got hurt in the process. I got into unhealthy relationships and tried to have a family of my own. I got raped. I found out my father wasn’t my father. My brother wasn’t my brother. My life wasn’t real.
My pain made me hurt people because I was hurt. My anchors were false. I lost myself because from a young age I grinded it in me that the only thing I needed was the family I never had. That I SHOULD have a family because everyone else had one, and everyone else, even if they were in a reconstructed family seemed to feel better than I did in it.
And every moment I believed THAT, something came to show me, through painful situations, that I will not have a family as long as that is all that I want.
The idea of needing a family made me sick. I have psychological traumas because of it.
That is my fault.
👉Holding on to my belief that everybody deserves to have a family, that I need and want a family, almost killed me multiple times. Not just figuratively, physically too. (Suicide attempts, domestic violence, rape). It made me evil to others. It hurt me so much I lost myself, and I lost myself often. It hurt me so much I sometimes didn’t even know what reality was. I didn’t know who I was.
Whatever people HAVE done to me is their fault.
👉My father not being around, not responding to my emotions, not talking about my emotions, not telling me the truth, always minimising what I went through, always betraying me to a step mom I wasn’t comfortable with, and making my mother leave because of his pain.
👉My mother abandonning me, sleeping with another man and cheating on my father, her instability.
👉 My step mother and what she did to me as a child, how her depression affected my psyche when I was growing up, her need to always protect others FROM me, instead of being there FOR me, her grinding visions and blames towards me that were often unjustified, etc.
👉 My step sister and my older brothers’ jealousy towards me because of their perception of the love that my father had for me, that they were jealous of, their belief that I needed to be punished, bullied, “protected from me”, never talking to me about my pain, always assuming and lamenting against me when I told them about my story and opened up and they STILL didn’t see ME. Just what they wanted to see.
NOTHING ever worked when I tried to make family the important fundamental of my life.
The thing is they were also caught up in their own fundamentals, whatever they were.
🎀I don’t know everything. But I do know everybody could have talked.
The biggest fault is that nobody ever did. Everybody complained. I am guilty too. I hurt people too, surely. I tried to talk though. I TRIED to make them family.
👉But I couldn’t have known my father was not my father, my brother was not my brother and me trying to keep family together was just a symptom of intuitively knowing I had none.
The important thing is thus to recognize your fundamentals, see if they are good or bad, and if they are bad, as mine has been, change it.
How to figure out your new fundamental? I have no idea! All I know for now, don’t stay near things that make you sick, that includes ideas.
🎀 Miss Bow 🎀